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i'm feeling overwhelmed today and slightly out of focus. this weekend was full of firsts and lasts and heavy discussions about the State of My Union and The Future with my boy. i don't really know how to explain it all except that this whole thing has kinda swept me up and taken me by surprise and things that once mattered don't at all anymore. i worry that i'm trading my beliefs for some idolized version of life. i'm worried that my firm decision to not marry and not bear children is slowly being worn away. i worry that i've begun to feel that those are things i will "owe" this man if he continues to be the way he is now. as i told a friend, i think i'm still waiting for the real-ness of this to set in. it seems all cotton and linen right now, but the washer is bound to break soon. and what then? what happens when the honeymoon is over? see, i've never been faithful in my life. i'm a cheater. i've always cheated. i don't know that i am capable of not cheating. yes. i know what you're thinking. it's a cop out. it's the easy way out. it's about will power and love and discipline. but, it's really not. and perhaps this time will be different. i'm definitely not aiming to be unfaithful. i'm definitely not looking over his shoulder. i don't want to ruin what seems to be a perfect union. but i can't help but be realistic. and reality says that i have a track record. i have a way of defeating the best intentions in this category. perhaps it's as easy as everyone thinks. perhaps it's that i've never "loved" before. but, i don't think it's about love. i don't think it's ever about love. maybe that's my problem. i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm just feeling like i can't get a good grip on things and while they aren't out of control, they may well soon be and where will that leave me?
you got something to say?
this is today's 1st entry
playing: lonely road of faith - kid rock
reading: FrameMaker guide White Teeth
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