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i just poured my heart out to my valentine and damn if i don't feel refreshed. it wasn't like a "i'll love you till i die" type of pouring. i just explained to him (and, in the process, to my self) how much muck i have to cut through to find my Self in the midst of all the psychological bullshit heaped on me since birth. no, that's not true. i'd like to state here that my mother did not start piling the shit on till my father disappeared. that's when it happened. i was four, maybe five. so, not since birth, though she has instilled birth-guilt. ANYWAY. i feel purged. i trust my darling C to not judge or assume or blame. he just listens. and that's so cool cause i don't really know anyone who just listens. it's like, we dump baggage on each other all the time and while the dumper breathes easier, the dumpee quietly sets the baggage on the floor, neither carrying it nor throwing it away. i suppose we absorb. and later, when it's necessary, we pull out the contents of that bag and we talk about it. gently. i'm realizing how lucky i am to be surrounded by people who love me, whether it be a stifling, conditional kind or the loose airy kind. it's a wonderful feeling. i can appreciate it and reciprocate it for the first time... maybe in my life... but definitely since i became an adult. it's like i've learned to stare the present square in the eyes, take it as it comes, and love it for both the expected and unexpected, without pushing myself to manipulate it. it's like i'm calm and the world is settling itself around me and i can breathe - with it, not in spite of it. it's a beautiful thing.
you got something to say?
this is today's quite bearably light entry
playing: mixta colombiana
reading: myself White Teeth
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