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let's see. i promised a Real Entry for today and i haven't come up with one yet. i could tell you all about my two hour lunch with eesha, but that's stuff for ME, not for YOU. i wonder if the rest of y'all lead the double life i do. i mean, i keep a Diary, but i don't tell it (or you) everything. nope, i hold back things for myself. i keep lots of stuff under wraps cause, honestly, i don't think it's your business. and it makes me wonder what other people are holding back. i mean, how much easier is it to tell people your rape/abortion/molestation/incest/drug stories than to tell them how you Really Feel about anything. i mean, isn't there a point when all things Diary become a bit contrived, a little over-the-top and downright untrue? i play up the fantasy. i tell you what i want you to hear. and no more than that. somethings are true, somethings aren't, but it's only my problem to sort that line. you, well you are here to be entertained, perhaps educated, but please don't ever think you're here to be enlightened. i keep secrets. i harbor them. and there are things that Nobody Knows about me. it will stay that way. don't think that because i say "When I was raped..." (or "When I had my abortion..." or "Because my father is a crack addict...", etc...) that it means i've opened my Real Self for you to plunder. there's a lot going on beneath my seemingly placid surface, but i know what i want you to know. you won't get any more than that. now, i also love to tell stories. i am a storyteller (thanks, eesha!) and i like to string things together, creating a web that snares you. sometimes i'm just plain ole human and just letting you know what's up. sometimes i'm the Whining Complainer who talks big about all the Things i want and don't have, leaving out that i'm doing nothing to get them. today i'm the Brick Wall that you can try to scale, but will wind up walking away from. that's my story. behind that wall is the beginning of the shards that create my life and you won't make it over, much less through the maze that leads to my heart. i hope that you understand this and know that i expect no more from you than what i'm willing to give. i don't see it as your job to fill me with your Insides. bounce your ideas off me, laugh along with me, curl up beside me, but please understand that when i stand up, i stand alone.
you got something to say?
this is today's entry
playing:
reading: White Teeth
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