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okay. i'm okay. i want to say that for starters. i'm really okay. cause my mother is the strongest woman i've ever met and she never talked trash about my father and she used every penny she ever made to keep her kids in nice clothes and good housing. (we were only in the projects for like 3 years. tops) i'm okay cause we lived in a very real world, but my mama refused to take our childhoods from us any more than she had to. so, while i would have to take care of my lil sister (this includes grounding or allowing her to spend the night places), i also got to see new kids on the block in concert. i also got to spend a month every summer at myrtle beach, still with ash in tow, but so free. i'm okay. my dad's an ass. and i have issues. but i love my life. i'm proud of it. it's like the ultimate battle wound and now i have a son and i am raising him to be a wonderful man. and he has a daddy who loves him. and that's what i want for him. migraine: i can't really explain why the new position put me in that father place. i think it's connected to the fact that i have no sense of entitlement. i was taught at very early age that i don't deserve things. first it was just his presence. then it was enough food, enough money, enough time with my parents. there just was never enough for three kids and i absorbed that. so now, when i start feeling full and i start thinking that i've worked so hard and this is my reward, the elation turns in to fear. fear of exposure that NO. i'm not good enough. i don't deserve this. and at what price do i have it. now, i'm working through this. slowly. i KNOW that i have busted my ass my entire life for the good stuff. but i always FEEL like i have to constantly fight and struggle and one-up FATE to keep what i have. cause i'm just lucky. i'm not worth it. so that's my dichotomy. and it stems from that Ultimate Rejection. but, like i said, i'm working through it. the ending monologue in Smoke Signals, a movie based on a Sherman Alexie story, comes back to me now. if you haven't seen it, you MUST! it's all about fathers, though not many want to touch that father-daughter relationship (this one is father-son, of course). the line is "when do we learn to forgive our fathers." and i honestly don't know. but i'm learning to love myself. and to show that love to my son. and that's all i can do. that's the most important thing. but what's cool is...i'm really okay. i have awesome friends, my mother and i are getting closer, my lil sis no longer thinks of me as this authoritarian dictator (we actually really like each other), and i'm learning to let go of my father... that's all i can do right now. but i'm okay.
you got something to say?
this is today's entry
playing:
reading: White Teeth
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