update + backtrack + sign + extras + notes + contact + yours truly + mi gente + fucklist + BOOK + wishes

LWDRS + interview + eggs! + quiz + one-on-one + motherland + i am a goddess + fabuloso + witch design

this entry is for my newest reader, scootasgirl.

here's the clarification:

my sister, who was highly addicted to drugs and alcohol at the time, got pregnant with javi last year. she and her boyfriend subsequently broke up.

e did not care at all about the child she was carrying and continued to abuse drugs. she decided to give the baby up for adoption.

now, my family was okay with adoption, as we knew that e, who already has one child, is not capable of being a good mother. my ma calls it mental imbalance. i call lazy and irresponsible, but the point is, she didn't need another child.

what we wanted was an open adoption...one that would allow us to play a part in the child's life, to watch him grow. my sister, however, wanted nothing to do with this child. she didn't want to ever see or hear about him again. she even burned his first sonagram.

she went to dss and arranged for a closed adoption. my family panicked. we did not want this child to grow up without knowing us or being involved with us. we wanted to love this child and share his/her life. but, dss found a family and that family prepared to bring the baby home.

about two weeks before her due date, i made the decision. i would adopt the baby. i was the most capable person in my family. i also have the most resources and desire. the obstacle was e.

keep in mind that during this whole time, the baby's father is having no part of any of the decisions. e didn't even reveal who he was until after javi was born.

but, i had to convince her to allow the baby to stay in the family. i did this through stealth and lies. i convinced her that i could not have children. told her that the "doctors" told me i had a one in a million chance of ever becoming pregnant. i told her, through tears and heavy breathing, that this may be my one opportunity to raise a child.

at the end of this discussion, she was crying too. she told me she would give the baby to me. that she would take care of it until it was born and then she would give him to me.

i hit her in that spot. the one that makes her crave being needed. for once, she was going to be the one in control, the one with the power, the one who bestowed generosity on others.

so, two days before christmas, she went into labor. i was the only family member she allowed in the room. i held her legs and spoke to her in whispers to 'breathe, breathe', the one who held the oxygen mask to her mouth and nose when she would hold her breath.

the was danger, though. javi was sunny side up, facing up rather than down. his head was banging into her pelvic bone as he tried to be born. four hours later, they turned him around and he came sliding out, a mass of blood and tissue and pressure.

everyone held their breath. there could have been brain damage, physical damage, he'd been in the womb with his own meconium for over an hour...

but, he was beautiful, all squished and gross. i held him under the lights as they poked and prodded him. the doctor nicknamed him porkchop cause of his healthy size. he scored a 9 on his respiratory test...

i named him javier stone quinones. javier because i had dreamt once, long long ago, that i'd have a child by that name. javier because i felt an immense sense of completeness around my little dominican friend javier in boston, (who was only 7!) javier cause paul and kati and i had decided on it in the car on the way home from starmarket one sunday evening.

i named him stone after my uncle. the uncle who was more of a father to me after my own father walked out. the one who sent money to a child in guatemala, the one who raised my three cousins, my uncle who died while surfing when i was 16. i named him stone cause he was a strong baby who survived 9 months in a body that should've killed him.

the day he came home from the hospital, the exboyfriend came to see him. but, he didn't believe it. said the baby didn't look like him. said he needed proof.

so i told him to get lost. i didn't need for him to care if the baby was his or not. if there was no legal father, then that meant one less person to get custody from. i told him to stay away from us and not to worry about whether or not the child was his. cause he wasn't. he was mine.

but, this story has a sweet ending. c, the hesitant father, could not walk away from that sweet bundle. he also could not trust my sister. so, when javi went for his CF test, he also had a dna sample taken. four months later, he had a father. and c had a son.

so, now we are a very weird, but very happy family. e is able to love and care about javi as an aunt should. he spends the weekend with his father, uncle and grandfather. he is loved. by every one. he is loved.

so, yes, i have a baby's dad. and i also have a baby's mama, though no one thinks of it like that. i am javi's mother, and he knows it. he keeps his eyes on me, copying what i do. and i love it.

i hope this makes things clear. i understand it's a weird situation! wait till i get the energy to write the entry where i talk about how my sister is pregnant AGAIN and my son is only 9 MONTHS OLD!!

you got something to say?